Mark 12:31 Thou shalt love thy neighbor as theyself. There is none other commandment greater than [this].

I went to a parochial Lutheran school from kindergarten to 8th grade. I enjoyed and loved it until my last year there. My 8th grade year is when everything changed. New administration brought very harsh conservative ideals to the school. During a new catechism class, we learned why other religions were wrong and going to hell. We learned why we're the only right ones in the world because we follow the bible as strictly as it says. My school and church, which presented itself as a loving inclusive community for years, now became a toxic environment. I'll never forget the new principal preaching at my class why "Homosexuals cannot achieve the kingdom of God". I almost had a panic attack in class but composed myself to prevent persecution from him. Anxiety and stress filled my body. This day changed me. After just coming to term with being gay, I took what felt like one hundred steps back and became ashamed of who I was and was confused, stressed, and anxious about how I will end up in hell. I miss church. I miss singing in the choir and playing bells. I miss feeling loved in the church community. I no longer feel at home in any church community and struggle building that connection. Currently, I still believe in God, however being apart of a church community is still a very unsettling idea to me.

The monologue I performed is You're Loving Son by Robert Reinhart. This monologue is very personal to me. I've been in the exact same situation as the character. When my parents found out I was questioning my sexuality they didn't understand it at all. They told me not to think about it. That's the only thing they said for years. How do you not think about sexuality? How do I ignore it? How does someone go about their life not thinking if they find someone attractive or not? How can I not question the type of people I am supposed to like? How can I refute something that gives me butterflies every time I talk to a cute boy? It's impossible and unchangeable. Eventually my parents came around. They were never homophobic. They just grew up imagining a specific life for me before I was even born. That pre-conceived thought did not imagine me being gay. I don't blame them for that. Granted, my situation is so much better than other LGBTQ+ youth. I was not disowned, kicked out, or beaten. My situation, although frustrating, is very fortunate and I am thankful for my family.

So, funny story of my self-discovery of my gayness. In 5th grade I had my biggest crush, and my first crush on a boy. He was the new boy at school and in my class. I thought he the cutest human being and that we were meant to be. Being 11 was sure an interesting time. Ironically, that boy was the pastor's son and he would never dream of being gay with me. So, nothing ever happened but I had a crush on him till 8th grade. Yah, that's the first time I liked a boy and it felt so strong and so right.

Now my coming-out story to my parents. A story that happened first semester of college. One day I just felt compelled to tell them. The impulse to-do-so felt so strong. One morning, half-way into the semester, I called my mom and told her there is something I need to tell her. I blurted out, "I'm gay" and started balling. This is something that's been on my mind since I was 11 years old. She wondered why I was crying. She told me "Brayden. I don't care what the hell you are as long as you are your true authenticate self. If you do that, I will proud of you and love you no matter what. You take over the world with that. The true Brayden". And then I cried again. My dad wasn't as dramatic as mom. He was mostly like "What? Wait, really? That's the way you're going. Okay. Love you son." Thanks Dad. My brother, I told my senior year of high school. We were in a car ride to our mom's house. He was the first family member I told. I tried to say it at the beginning of the car ride but just couldn't. Finally, after 10 minutes of awkward silence I said it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. Well... he didn't believe me. I'm not kidding. He did not believe me. He said "Wait, then why are you friends with so many girls?" I replied. "CAUSE IM GAY HUDSON." He got it eventually. He took it the funniest.

So, yah that's my coming-out story. This is something all LGBTQ+ youth and adults have to do. Notice that I cried when I told my mom. Saying two words "I'm gay" made me ball my eyes out. Crying about how I like boys. If I was straight, I would not have had to say those two words and be crying telling my parents I liked some girl. It should not be this hard. Those two words should not decide whether someone is accepted. Despite this, God made me who I am and the LGBTQ+ community. Remember that bible passage I put above. Love thy neighbor as thyself :)